Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Here again we are


Sounds like Yoda when I say it like that, doesn't it?
So last week I was going off about young people. I just got back from spending 5 days with my Dad and his Wife in (mostly) sunny (with some rain) Sun City. I'll bet now you are wondering if I will go off on "old" people.
Well, maybe. First let me say that my Dad isn't old, he is a very vibrant and active 65 years young. He can walk circles around me, plays golf as often as possible, and even goes to the gym. It was good to go hang out at his house, eat lots of good food, and do some shopping. I needed to get away, and the timing couldn't have been better what with the blizzard that hit here the night before our return.

My Dad shared with me his concerns about the way I live my life while we were outside talking together on Monday I had just finished sharing some of my concerns for my young 20ish daughter. (Let me also say that I love my Dad very very much. We have grown closer over the last several years, and I am grateful he feels "fatherly" enough to have these talks with me, he wasn't around much while I was growing up)
His concerns were as follows:
1. My continuing to smoke cigarettes. This is a gimme, even I am concerned about this one!

2. My depression, and being on anti-depressants.
Now this becomes a bit confusing for me here, because I'm quite sure it was a year ago that I had a conversation with either him or Marie (his wife) about the fact that I had been ON anti-depressants since 2002. THIS year I shared with her that I was detoxing from the wretched things and the withdrawal was reeking havoc on many areas of my life. So what did I miss here? He is a firm believer in NO MEDS if at all possible. That's great, I'm beginning to agree with him on that point, but did it really take him a year to bring it up to me, or did my conversation with Marie get mis-interpreted? Did the whole point that I am going OFF the dam things get lost in there somewhere? hmmmmm who knows. This conversation led him to his third concern for me, and is really the one that kicked me over:
"That I don't go to church and have a faith in God".
Timely, all of this, because I have been struggling with my faith in a "Higher Power" for almost a year now. (read 12 step program)
His opinion seems to be that if you don't go to church and study scriptures, that you don't have any faith in God. He shared with me some of the things that he got through in his life (and beat his depression!) with God. The expletives SCREAMED through my brain as I tried to listen to what he had to say and appreciate his love and concern for me.

Naturally, trying to explain a 12 step program to someone who has never BEEN to one is a completely lost cause. You people that are "normal" just don't get it.
"It isn't the same", he said.
(Well, no shit, do you suppose that's why it works for me and church doesn't??) "Dad, the only one of the 12 steps that talks about *insert addiction here* is the first one, the rest pretty much concentrate on God/Higher Power/Spirituality. How do you think I went this many years without honing my addictions?" "But you need to study the Bible and hear the Word of God" he argued.
So I had to stop.
I didn't try to explain any more, I simply had to let him talk. That's all I could do. I hope he feels better, knowing that he shared his concerns and that I listened. He must know by now that I will do what I want regardless, (as I know this about my kids).
The frustrating thing for me is that he still doesn't understand who I am. That being a recovering addict isn't something that I have powered my way through by myself. It hurts to know that he thinks I have lived my life without God, without any faith. That is the only thing that has brought me here without any (more) serious casualties!
How does he think I got through giving a beautiful baby girl up for adoption 26 years ago? How does he think all the healing about my childhood sexual abuse came to be? Does he really believe that I don't have a God to get me through some of the horrible scenes I have dealt with at my job?!!

So here again we are. Frustrated, near tears now instead of wanting to punch people in the head. Still groggy from Effexor withdrawal. (That stuff is nasty, I won't ever recommend it to anyone ever.) Sad that my Dad really doesn't know me, and not sure that I have the energy to let him. Maybe after the withdrawal is complete it will look more appealing to at least try. Makes it difficult to tell everyone I had a wonderful time on my vacation! ugh lessons lessons (and they're all MINE! lol)

The up side to all of this is that my spiritual path is making a turn for the better again. I was able to re-connect with a "spiritual co-hort" and compare notes on what's been happening over the last year, say a prayer together and ask for guidance. More stuff is coming to change and it's kind of scary being where I am right now with this huge pendulum swinging my mood around, but the faith that it will all be ok has returned. *whew* At least I put the baseball bat down for awhile!