Send in the clowns

Thursday night was challenging with the continued affects of the Effexor withdrawal and wanting to shut the garage door while the car was still running with me in it. Don't call the white coats just yet, I have seen much too many of those scenes to actually act on that thought, and I like to think that I'm not quite THAT self-centered yet! Besides, who really wants their co-workers to see them naked at their autopsy and not be able to respond to their heckling?? I consider myself fortunate for this small deterrant.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Calling Coletta on the phone was the solution after some frenzied journaling. She had some interesting things to say to me that made a lot of sense, and I knew were going on but hadn't been able to articulate. Talking to Michele Wed. night had brought up some of the same issues for me, so I am seriously thinking that there may be some merit to this. Now where to start sorting ugh.
Well, if you read my original first ever blog post, you know I was "bitching" about young people and their attitudes. When I sit and spew in my journal, or on this blog, a lot of what is going through my mind is about where the hell my life has gone. Who took the clock and put a new battery in there? It's not keeping time worth a shit now, the hands have sped up and it's always running fast!
I think my kids did it. Some cosmic joke, I'm sure, just like daylight savings time. You go to bed and wake up and an EXTRA hour of your life is gone, you didn't even get to live it! Stolen from you by a thief in the night.
Getting older (right now) sucks. A few years ago, I didn't mind getting older, I was still a size 10, heading for a 12, but that was ok. I was learning to ride a motorcycle, exploring new ways I could be independent, having fun with my friends (grateful they bitched about their mates so I didn't feel so bad being single), still enjoying my job, still feeling sexy enough to have the occassional boyfriend. Hell, I even did an interview with a gal that is writing a book, how exciting is that!
Today I find myself with a very different attitude, it's like I went to sleep and woke up and those years are GONE! Did I get to live them? Certainly I did, and probably did it well, but what now?! If I look at the clock, it's still ticking, but not to have babies anymore, I am seeing the next 15 years rushing toward me and wondering where the hell I will end up. Alone, old and fat, just as disillusioned as I was at 22? eeeeeeeeek My size ten has somehow turned into a size 14 and growing, my youngest child now has plans with her friends on the weekends and doesn't need me around as much, my married friends are still bitching, but not as loudly (and I find that if I don't call them, they don't call me), my shift at work is going from 12 noon to 8 to 12 midnight to 8, and the hair color aisle at the drugstore is becoming more familiar to me. Things are a-changin', and hopefully the fight inside that I am feeling will have some reward at the "end" of it. (no lesson is ever really done)
It sounds something like this..."I really need to join the gym and eat better" (to hell with THAT, I should still be able to eat what ever I want and not gain weight, I could 10 years ago! Besides, going to the gym as big as I am now would be embarrassing. I hate being in this bigger body! Who snuck in and replaced MY body with this slowed down, weight gaining middle aged thing? Is this a joke? Why is my stomach in my way?! What are those lines around my eyes doing there, Jeezus, someone snuck in my bathroom and replaced all my tanning products with anti-aging, anti-wrinkle cream! WTH?! Ok, come out and give me my body back, turn off the cameras, you got enough footage for your show. Hahahaha, okay, I get it, it's funny, I've been "punk'd". hello... Helloooo? Ashton?) Prepare yourself, if you can, ladies, some or all of this WILL happen to you.
Another scenario goes something like this: Oh cool, my daughter is making me a scrap book with lots of pictures! (That is such a good picture of all of us, wow, I look good in this one, look how skinny I am! Wait a second, gawd, look at my ass in THIS one, it's HUGE. Why did she put this in here, I look like crap! Who the hell is that fat woman in this one? Holy christ it's ME? Who is going to be interested in a fat woman? I might as well give up, men want someone thin and young, and I'm obviously not THAT anymore. I don't think this scrapbook idea was so hot.)
Get the drift??
I realize it's not inevitable to get fat, but gaining weight (they tell me) goes with the territory of aging. My hope is that I can get past those horrible voices in the parentheses and get to the gym, or at least out for a walk more than once every other month. Ordering a salad instead of french fries might not hurt, either. ugh you don't know HOW much I love french fries! :c(
The beginnings of gray hair and wrinkles ARE things I can't do much about, but I will use whatever products they left in my bathroom to battle them. The joke seems to be that up until recently, I didn't FEEL older, I could still look in the mirror and tolerate the woman looking back at me. I don't have the luxury of the stars to hire a personal trainer, have liposuction, or a face lift, so I guess it's up to me. Aging is happening, whether I like it or not, and I can embrace it (choke) or keep fighting it. Would I feel differently if I weren't single? I have no idea, I am what I am. My hunch is that the battle would rage on even if there were a steady man in my life. (only it would be HIS fault LOL) Thank goodness I have a good woman friend who has been there, done that, and has the courage to share her experience with me. The choices are clear, I have no choice, damn this is gonna hurt.