Does everybody have a friend or someone they know that "takes" too much? What is it with some people, that when the phone rings and you see that it's them...you don't answer, or if you DO answer, you groan and roll your eyes because you know it will be nothing short of a 30 minute conversation all about them. Their problems, their kids, their dilemmas, their they them them them. As an afterthought right before hanging up they say, "oh, and how are you?" by that time all I want to do is get the hell off the phone. I may be on my death bed, or have just had the worst day of my life, but I'll be damned if I'm going to talk to them about it.

I have a friend like that, my daughter does too. The question probably isn't how do you change them, they probably won't change, but how do you deal with someone like that? So far avoidance doesn't seem to be the answer, the phone keeps ringing. Telling them they are manipulative and needy doesn't seem the right way to go, either, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I know we all genuinely need people. Why did she pick ME to need? ugh lol
So it must be something I did to attract this, so what do I do, in a kind and honest way, to UNattract it? I've told her I have a life, I can't always be there to help with her kids or just hang out at her house. I told her I would be there to help as much as I can. Honestly, I could probably be there more than I am, but I can't make myself! When the limits get pushed and I feel manipulated I tend to veer the other direction.
When I tell someone over and over that they need to reach out and make more friends and they don't, they just keep trying to suck all the life out of me, I run. Was a day when I thought that's what my "purpose" was, to fix others, to be a "helper". Man am I glad those days are gone! Fix YOU?! HAAAA! I can't even fix ME! And if you ask me for one more thing, I just might scream "F** you! leave me alone!".

Someone told me once that marriage is a 60/40 split. (back when I was married once upon a time) No matter how much you receive, you always think you are the one that is giving more, so if you go into it knowing that, it may make it easier. Is friendship like that too? This is the first one that has really felt this way to me. Am I just getting older and more selfish, more set in my ways and unwilling to give? Could be, but I don't think it's all me and my selfishness. This person doesn't give one thing without expecting something in return. If she asks you over for supper it isn't because she wants to feed you and visit, it's because she has another agenda, something she needs from you while you are there. If you want me to help you with that(whatever it is), ask me, don't try to manipulate me with something else to get me there! And stop making everything a stinking crisis! This girl has a new one every DAY! STOP IT! Life is good without crisis, trust me, it is!
What sucks is she doesn't hear me when I try to talk to her about this stuff. Try and explain to an 8 or 9 year old that they can't call off the whole baseball game and take their bat and ball home just because they are losing and that's the same kind of response I get. Throw in the attitude that the world would be a much better place if more people were like her, giving and kind, like her. I don't think giving with expectations of a pay back counts, but that's just me.

She will be back soon, she went home for Easter and I have had a blessedly quiet 2 weeks, with only one crisis phone call from her that I didn't answer, she left a very forlorn message. The feelers came a few days ago in an email from her, though. Started with how are you, the kids are sick (again) lalala. Now it's "can you go to my house and get this and do that and "...same song, different verse. Some of my stand-offishness surely got through because she said I seem "short". Yea, I am. Graveyard shift is hard, just ask my kid, she'll tell you I have been a bit cranky. So don't expect a ticker tape parade when you get back here, lady, it's just not in me to make your day better, I'm still trying to figure out how to do that for me. Get a dog, preferrably one that will help with the cooking and the dishes.

Graveyard

Well, it's official. I am working the graveyard shift now at work, and I'm here to tell you, it's not helping with the big picture of what was formerly known as "my life".
The last 12 years I worked a weird shift, but it was quasi-normal, I was awake when most other people were awake, and sleeping at night, Noon to 8pm wasn't so bad. I didn't miss too many school concerts, and got to go to a fair share of volleyball games.

Exit: Jim, after 26 years of taking calls he finally had enough. Enough fingerprint matching, enough polygraph exams, enough weekends on call, enough sending cases to the lab, enough marijuana analysis for court, enough testifying, enough paperwork, enough putting up with detectives, enough telling one more person you can't get a fingerprint off a rock, no matter what they show on CSI Miami. I can't say I blame him for leaving, I hope he enjoys his retirement! What is happening now that he is gone is what I am not so happy about. Zac, after 12 years of working 8pm to 4 am now has seniority, and the 8 hours he has chosen to work are from 8 Am to 4 Pm, like a normal person. That leaves me 2 choices, 4 to midnight or midnight to 8. With a teenager in the house, I chose the graveyard shift. The fact that we work on a staff of 3 to have 24 hour coverage doesn't leave much leeway. I won't even get started on the fact that they haven't replaced Jim yet, that is a whole bees nest that I won't stir up. The extra special bonus about that is that Zac and I get to be on call every other weekend instead of every third weekend. Ya just can't beat that! AND we get the split the second shift being on call! Extra special double extra bonus!


If I put aside the fact that I eat breakfast before I go to bed, and supper when I wake up, I could say it's not so bad. I've gotten to spend evenings at home with my family, we even went on a couple of outings for walks and motorcycle rides, so there may end up being an "up" side to this. Don't ask them just yet, however, because the mood swings are present AND accounted for. Lack of sleep? Continued withdrawal? Who knows, I sure don't. I've only been at this for 3 days (or is it nights?) now, so I suppose it's too soon to judge how it will REALLY be, but man, is it ever weird!

Going to work in the middle of the night is bizarre. Where is everyone? There is some traffic, especially now that the weather is nicer, but rush hour? Not on this shift. It's quiet in the office, even quieter than usual, there's no one knocking on the door wanting a picture of this or a fingerprint off that. The phone has rung exactly once, and it was a wrong number. Walk down the hall and I don't run into anyone, go by their office to visit, they are home sleeping, step out back for a smoke, I might run into a bum digging in the ashtray, or an officer heading in for his break, maybe.

I left the building to just get out for awhile, take a break last night....there's no where to go! No one is awake that I can call, I feel funny coming home, everyone here is asleep too and I don't want to wake them. I can't just go for a walk around the block, anyone that IS out at those hours probably are past or future clientele of our department. Getting mugged is not how I want to spend ANY night. I don't mind the fact that "the brass" isn't around, that doesn't really bother me, but the lack of people seems to be getting to me. Even the restaurants are empty at 4 in the morning.

I like interacting with people, or at least I did, I like the sunshine, sleeping through it seems like such a waste! I am feeling a bit crabby about all this, the rage is boiling just under the surface I think, and it has boiled over at least once. So, if you see a grumpy old bear on her way home in the morning, just wave, I'm not sure if she'll bite your head off or hug you, and until I'm sure, I'm advising people to just give her some patience and maybe a little space. So far the transition hasn't been real smooth, but hopefully once the adjustments are fine-tuned it will be better. Bear with me!

Send in the clowns

Thursday night was challenging with the continued affects of the Effexor withdrawal and wanting to shut the garage door while the car was still running with me in it. Don't call the white coats just yet, I have seen much too many of those scenes to actually act on that thought, and I like to think that I'm not quite THAT self-centered yet! Besides, who really wants their co-workers to see them naked at their autopsy and not be able to respond to their heckling?? I consider myself fortunate for this small deterrant.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Calling Coletta on the phone was the solution after some frenzied journaling. She had some interesting things to say to me that made a lot of sense, and I knew were going on but hadn't been able to articulate. Talking to Michele Wed. night had brought up some of the same issues for me, so I am seriously thinking that there may be some merit to this. Now where to start sorting ugh.
Well, if you read my original first ever blog post, you know I was "bitching" about young people and their attitudes. When I sit and spew in my journal, or on this blog, a lot of what is going through my mind is about where the hell my life has gone. Who took the clock and put a new battery in there? It's not keeping time worth a shit now, the hands have sped up and it's always running fast!
I think my kids did it. Some cosmic joke, I'm sure, just like daylight savings time. You go to bed and wake up and an EXTRA hour of your life is gone, you didn't even get to live it! Stolen from you by a thief in the night.
Getting older (right now) sucks. A few years ago, I didn't mind getting older, I was still a size 10, heading for a 12, but that was ok. I was learning to ride a motorcycle, exploring new ways I could be independent, having fun with my friends (grateful they bitched about their mates so I didn't feel so bad being single), still enjoying my job, still feeling sexy enough to have the occassional boyfriend. Hell, I even did an interview with a gal that is writing a book, how exciting is that!
Today I find myself with a very different attitude, it's like I went to sleep and woke up and those years are GONE! Did I get to live them? Certainly I did, and probably did it well, but what now?! If I look at the clock, it's still ticking, but not to have babies anymore, I am seeing the next 15 years rushing toward me and wondering where the hell I will end up. Alone, old and fat, just as disillusioned as I was at 22? eeeeeeeeek My size ten has somehow turned into a size 14 and growing, my youngest child now has plans with her friends on the weekends and doesn't need me around as much, my married friends are still bitching, but not as loudly (and I find that if I don't call them, they don't call me), my shift at work is going from 12 noon to 8 to 12 midnight to 8, and the hair color aisle at the drugstore is becoming more familiar to me. Things are a-changin', and hopefully the fight inside that I am feeling will have some reward at the "end" of it. (no lesson is ever really done)
It sounds something like this..."I really need to join the gym and eat better" (to hell with THAT, I should still be able to eat what ever I want and not gain weight, I could 10 years ago! Besides, going to the gym as big as I am now would be embarrassing. I hate being in this bigger body! Who snuck in and replaced MY body with this slowed down, weight gaining middle aged thing? Is this a joke? Why is my stomach in my way?! What are those lines around my eyes doing there, Jeezus, someone snuck in my bathroom and replaced all my tanning products with anti-aging, anti-wrinkle cream! WTH?! Ok, come out and give me my body back, turn off the cameras, you got enough footage for your show. Hahahaha, okay, I get it, it's funny, I've been "punk'd". hello... Helloooo? Ashton?) Prepare yourself, if you can, ladies, some or all of this WILL happen to you.
Another scenario goes something like this: Oh cool, my daughter is making me a scrap book with lots of pictures! (That is such a good picture of all of us, wow, I look good in this one, look how skinny I am! Wait a second, gawd, look at my ass in THIS one, it's HUGE. Why did she put this in here, I look like crap! Who the hell is that fat woman in this one? Holy christ it's ME? Who is going to be interested in a fat woman? I might as well give up, men want someone thin and young, and I'm obviously not THAT anymore. I don't think this scrapbook idea was so hot.)
Get the drift??
I realize it's not inevitable to get fat, but gaining weight (they tell me) goes with the territory of aging. My hope is that I can get past those horrible voices in the parentheses and get to the gym, or at least out for a walk more than once every other month. Ordering a salad instead of french fries might not hurt, either. ugh you don't know HOW much I love french fries! :c(
The beginnings of gray hair and wrinkles ARE things I can't do much about, but I will use whatever products they left in my bathroom to battle them. The joke seems to be that up until recently, I didn't FEEL older, I could still look in the mirror and tolerate the woman looking back at me. I don't have the luxury of the stars to hire a personal trainer, have liposuction, or a face lift, so I guess it's up to me. Aging is happening, whether I like it or not, and I can embrace it (choke) or keep fighting it. Would I feel differently if I weren't single? I have no idea, I am what I am. My hunch is that the battle would rage on even if there were a steady man in my life. (only it would be HIS fault LOL) Thank goodness I have a good woman friend who has been there, done that, and has the courage to share her experience with me. The choices are clear, I have no choice, damn this is gonna hurt.

Here again we are

Sounds like Yoda when I say it like that, doesn't it?
So last week I was going off about young people. I just got back from spending 5 days with my Dad and his Wife in (mostly) sunny (with some rain) Sun City. I'll bet now you are wondering if I will go off on "old" people.
Well, maybe. First let me say that my Dad isn't old, he is a very vibrant and active 65 years young. He can walk circles around me, plays golf as often as possible, and even goes to the gym. It was good to go hang out at his house, eat lots of good food, and do some shopping. I needed to get away, and the timing couldn't have been better what with the blizzard that hit here the night before our return.

My Dad shared with me his concerns about the way I live my life while we were outside talking together on Monday I had just finished sharing some of my concerns for my young 20ish daughter. (Let me also say that I love my Dad very very much. We have grown closer over the last several years, and I am grateful he feels "fatherly" enough to have these talks with me, he wasn't around much while I was growing up)
His concerns were as follows:
1. My continuing to smoke cigarettes. This is a gimme, even I am concerned about this one!

2. My depression, and being on anti-depressants.
Now this becomes a bit confusing for me here, because I'm quite sure it was a year ago that I had a conversation with either him or Marie (his wife) about the fact that I had been ON anti-depressants since 2002. THIS year I shared with her that I was detoxing from the wretched things and the withdrawal was reeking havoc on many areas of my life. So what did I miss here? He is a firm believer in NO MEDS if at all possible. That's great, I'm beginning to agree with him on that point, but did it really take him a year to bring it up to me, or did my conversation with Marie get mis-interpreted? Did the whole point that I am going OFF the dam things get lost in there somewhere? hmmmmm who knows. This conversation led him to his third concern for me, and is really the one that kicked me over:
"That I don't go to church and have a faith in God".
Timely, all of this, because I have been struggling with my faith in a "Higher Power" for almost a year now. (read 12 step program)
His opinion seems to be that if you don't go to church and study scriptures, that you don't have any faith in God. He shared with me some of the things that he got through in his life (and beat his depression!) with God. The expletives SCREAMED through my brain as I tried to listen to what he had to say and appreciate his love and concern for me.

Naturally, trying to explain a 12 step program to someone who has never BEEN to one is a completely lost cause. You people that are "normal" just don't get it.
"It isn't the same", he said.
(Well, no shit, do you suppose that's why it works for me and church doesn't??) "Dad, the only one of the 12 steps that talks about *insert addiction here* is the first one, the rest pretty much concentrate on God/Higher Power/Spirituality. How do you think I went this many years without honing my addictions?" "But you need to study the Bible and hear the Word of God" he argued.
So I had to stop.
I didn't try to explain any more, I simply had to let him talk. That's all I could do. I hope he feels better, knowing that he shared his concerns and that I listened. He must know by now that I will do what I want regardless, (as I know this about my kids).
The frustrating thing for me is that he still doesn't understand who I am. That being a recovering addict isn't something that I have powered my way through by myself. It hurts to know that he thinks I have lived my life without God, without any faith. That is the only thing that has brought me here without any (more) serious casualties!
How does he think I got through giving a beautiful baby girl up for adoption 26 years ago? How does he think all the healing about my childhood sexual abuse came to be? Does he really believe that I don't have a God to get me through some of the horrible scenes I have dealt with at my job?!!

So here again we are. Frustrated, near tears now instead of wanting to punch people in the head. Still groggy from Effexor withdrawal. (That stuff is nasty, I won't ever recommend it to anyone ever.) Sad that my Dad really doesn't know me, and not sure that I have the energy to let him. Maybe after the withdrawal is complete it will look more appealing to at least try. Makes it difficult to tell everyone I had a wonderful time on my vacation! ugh lessons lessons (and they're all MINE! lol)

The up side to all of this is that my spiritual path is making a turn for the better again. I was able to re-connect with a "spiritual co-hort" and compare notes on what's been happening over the last year, say a prayer together and ask for guidance. More stuff is coming to change and it's kind of scary being where I am right now with this huge pendulum swinging my mood around, but the faith that it will all be ok has returned. *whew* At least I put the baseball bat down for awhile!